Hawaii Five-NO



Dear God is this show terrible. I mean, I could have told you that after the second time I saw Daniel Dae Kim’s beefcake stare roll by on a city bus, but due to my mother’s penchant for crime procedurals and my choice to carve pumpkins in the living room I had no choice but to watch an episode.The most aggravating aspect of watching this show is the knowledge that somebody was actually PAID to write this baby-formula, four-act travesty using every line and transition from every cop show ever. I don’t even watch cop shows, but you just know lines like “So and So, you’re going back to jail” have a) been said a million times before and b) when said in the first 15 minutes means nothing has been solved

Dear poorly paid writers: please know we see through your red herrings, that love interests who have a murder motive is the worst excuse for a plot twist, and conversations on surfboards are not inspiring but sickening. I know you’re incredibly excited that in a landscape overrun by idiot reality stars you’ve actually landed a paid gig and will do WHATEVER those producers tell you. You pray The Magic TV Formula and agonize about your third act climax for subsequent sleepless nights but for Christ sake making the first act love interest into the third act suspect and then pulling out a surprise perpetrator and happy ending for all in the fourth is just not interesting to watch. Because as soon as a mysterious, distant father figure is introduced we all know what’s going to happen.

Is it any wonder I would rather watch Rachel Zoe try to navigate a grocery store that this unmitigated crap? Because you know what, the hilarity that is an anorexic woman surrounded by enough food to feed a Somalian village is, at the very least, real.

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